FaNG Self ID

Another sleepless night.. not sure whether it’s jet lag, my anxiety over the possibility of not getting the job i want or just plain old caffeine at work but still wide awake at 5. I am sure there will be a lecture by mum in the morning. Sigh.. my panda eyes are growing bigger n i’m growing more impatient. Connection’s not really working too well so am writing it in a notepad first.

Will try skipping any form of caffeine tomorrow to see if it gets any better. Doubt it L. Since coming back, there had been quite a few nights like this. Been productive tonight tho since I’ve starting putting some structure towards my application to BCG. Suspect there will be more altering before sending it over to them. Have been told it’s very hard to get to but ever since I did my jump, I feel that if u don’t try it, u will never know what the result is which in my case is just plain exhilaration.

Wondering where I’ve got my phobia of going back to something technical. Prob because of my previous job. I know that I need to experience more before I judge but that means another plunge.. this time i’ll need to make sure that at least it’s something i think i will excel in. Semicon is just a big NO from me since I literally sucked at it. Would like to try telecom since that’s the reason I’m in e&e in the first place. There are a few options that i’m considering but it’s still early to say which is gonna be my final decision. Or maybe I’m indecisive as usual. Too scared my decision would be the wrong one.

Anyway better find a job. Can’t bear mum preaching every few hrs about looking for a job.

Have been back for a week now. Was unsure whether it’s the right decision to come back til today. I guess three yrs abroad is enough experience for me.

Most ppl thinks that UK is great.. I do too til a few months back. Jobless n far from home, UK doesn’t look that great anymore. Tightening of immigration rules means my visa extension won’t  be guaranteed after next yr. Can’t bear looking around for a job while scared of my visa application being rejected later. Not that it’s easy to get a job when you are an international student.

Back home, I’ve realised that there not much that I have done for my family since I have graduated. Being out of work for a few months had taken a toll on my financial and I have nothing much to bring back home. well there’s all my stuffs n a few nice things but that’s all for my three yrs in UK. Nothing achieved and plenty of money spent.
 

Starting over again n i’m still not sure what I want to do.. All the job application and rejections had taken a toll on my self confidence, I don’t even have enough belief in myself to pursue something I want to in fear of rejection. Maybe that’s what I have always been.

I did manage to do one thing though. I’ve always been wanting to do skydiving but am afraid of doing the real thing. Did it last month :D. The main reason I did it is because I wanted to do something that would help motivate me. It sounds weird I know. My logic is if I can jump out of the sky, there’s nothing much that is going to terrify me n that includes looking around for new job even if there is gonna be more rejection in order to get something I like.

It’s always when u r looking for better things in life that u tend to ignore and forget the things that you have. In the attempts to search for a job in UK, I have neglected family and friends who are concerned for me. I tend to isolate myself from them as I don’t really like to be asked my status of job search. Every answer I give just takes my self esteem down a bit more. While it’s easier to hide in my own shell n pretend that everything is ok because I have enough money to survive, yeah right, what will i do when i’m back home. kfc cashier, mcdonald french fries boy or tesco shelf guy?

Taking a step back n looking at the ppl who had been supported me while I have not been appreciating them makes me feel like i’m a really selfish person. Am i too greedy to be thinking about my career and what I want?
Or is it time for me to reprioritize and get myself sorted

I have not always been a person with a good balance in life. Those who knows me well tend to know that I’m usually veering on both extremes. I can be really laid back person but when I’m worrying about stuffs, I tend to be going towards thinking about it all the time. It’s hard to explain this part of me. Sometimes I am scared to take any risk in life n sometimes i have the urge to go bungee jumping n be an adreline junkie. I guess that’s what makes me a normal person

It’s been 2 months since my grandfather passed away. Everything seems to be moving at a faster pace n the two months had been a blurry image for me. I din get to mourn him properly. I’m scared to look back at the blog because I know I will feel sad. Today, I thought i’ve gotten over it but yet regret n guilt lingers. All the memories that remains, I need to find a place to keep it before it disappears forever. Sometimes I even struggle to recall things that are so vivid in my mind when he’s alive. Just like when he always ask me to sit around him and talk to me when I was a child. The panic he’s got when I fell down playing in front of the shop n got the scar on the chin. I can never recall things he had done when I was a small child. It doesn’t really make it less important.

I never asked for forgiveness for the wrong things that I’ve done. All the mean things that I’ve said.

The only thing that I can do now is just to do him proud n try hard to achieve the things in life n not to do it half hearted n giving up so soon.

One of my housemates is having friends over for bbq but i wasn’t in the mood to join them. I never liked meeting new ppl.. not sure why. I thought i’ve gotten over it when i was in here but still I h8 meeting a group of ppl i’ve never known or chat with before. I could do it when I force myself to. Many of my friends noticed that I tend to stay quiet when I go in a group activities, unless I know most of them personally.

Not to say I haven’t tried.. Went out n chat for a bit. Even my two housemates seem bored. I think i’ve done pretty well

Received a call from my mum a few hours ago… she told me about my grandfather death. I was shocked but I wasn’t feeling sad. I din really want to ask too much because I know she’s really upset. I wish I could be there for my family.

It took me quite a bit of time to register the sadness and loss.. The shock was too much because my mum did not tell me that my grandfather was hospitalised because she know I had too much on my mind n hoped that my grandfather would be getting better.

As memories flooded through my mind, i remember he’s the one who always take me to restaurant before sending me late to tution, driving me to school, being the only grandfather in the school for a week when i first started primary school, brought me for food. As he grows older, I became a teenager n unappreciative about what he’s done in the past. Whenever he wants me to go along for food with him, I always found some excuse. He began to eat KFC because I like them n knows that I won’t refuse to go with him.

From stroke, his body becomes weaker on one side n had struggle to regain his former vitality. He had begun needing more assistance n when he recovers, my grandmother passed away. That broke his heart. I never truly realise the effect on him until he started smoking again. That was the year I left for diploma.

Over the years, he begin deteriorating because of the smoking and age. I wasn’t at home most of the time. He moved in to live with my parents because he needs more care. Instead he found that he’s bound in a cage without the freedom that he has before. In occasion when I was back, I found him awaken in the living room waiting for someone to come down early in the morning. I can’t imagine what he must be thinking during the period that he’s there alone and awake. Thousands of things be running through his mind and his life events repeating itself over and over again through his mind.

At that moment I realise how neglected he feels and did what I could to give him the freedom and company he has before. I would drive him to my uncle shop where he could sit and chat with all his friends. I would go with him to lunch whenever possible. Still it’s quite hard for me to do things with me being away in uni most of the time. My brothers are still too young to understand and appreciate what my grandfather had sacrificed and did for us. My parents are tried but they have priority for us now and can’t take care of my grandfather all the time.

Then, I decided to study in UK. A decision that I have yet to know whether I have made correctly or not. I left home to spend two years without once going back. During that period, I called home once a week or maybe in two weeks. My grandfather moved to my uncle place and whenever I called home, I only get to speak to my parents and brothers. The only time I could speak to my grandfather is during chinese new year which is once a year. I regretted now hearing his voice n calling him more to ask about him.

Went back to malaysia during chinese new year this year n found that he’s thinner than what he used to be. He can hardly remember me when I first spoke to him. To him, I must be someone who went away n never thought of returning home. I have only spoken to him for a few more time before returning back to work. His voice is something I missed hearing. The harsh voice was gone when I was finished school replaced but a milder and weaker tone.

He’s more resigned the last time I saw him and it almost felt like he’s too weak to go on anymore. It took me this long to realise that at that time, his body is failing him and it only took a major illness to take him away.

Now that he’s not here anymore. I begin to appreciate what he had done for me from when I am the small infant through to my rebellious teenager years up to when I had finally grown up. He din get to see my graduation and now right to the moment that he passed away I can’t show him that i have achieved something in my life because I’m just a graduate with no job.

I have no chance to say thank you for the things that you have done for me and it’s too late now. I thought I would never cry again but tonight the tears run freely for the loss of my loved one.

Sorry to anyone who’s forced to read this… I apologise first because I know it’s gonna be boring.

I thought I can cope with rejection after all these job application. I can’t. This one hits me harder because I think I went and did alright in the interview. No fuck up nothing. I thought ok.. i might stand a chance with this but NO. rejection again.

Starting to think that the odds of me winning lottery is bigger than landing a job. I’m feeling shit atm.. n I think it’s not gonna be easy to forget this when i’m so close to getting the job. sighh.

*edited

On the bright side, they told me that I have got 7 out of 8 competencies this time around so I guess that’s a consolation. Not a big one but at least that showed that I have improved. Who the fuck invented key competencies? Can’t they just go with the interview and offer. FFS.. I’m tired of all these now

Finished the interview yesterday.. Was quietly hoping that this would be the last one that i need to attend to. Everything went alright yesterday I think.. N that is what making me more nervous. Every single one before this had been like I think I will not get the job even for the one in Ricardo. This one I was thinking that I actually might stand a chance of getting it. My heart nearly stopped when I received the email from the company today. Usually email means bad news so I assumed the worst. Liked what I was seeing in the office so I am hoping that I could get in to the company but when I checked the email it was just like a part of me died.

Then it was the one thanking me for attending the interview. Phewww.. Thought for a moment that my chance is gone. So now i’m back to anxiously awaiting for the call or the email to come through. Call = good news. Email = bad.

As expected, received my rejection email from ARM today. The usual crap but this time they mentioned that there are stronger candidates around. Frankly I’m quite sick of hearing that I’m good but not good enough. When will I be? I don’t want to be called in to go for interview and get nothing out of it because I’m simply not good enough. I hate being the runner up. WTF.. U don’t get any job offer by being second best.

Either you are the best or you are nothing in this competitive market. Good enough simply isn’t enough for me anymore. I don’t want any sympathy. I want to be the one getting job offers coming in. I want to be the one choosing the role instead of ppl choosing me.

End of rant. Continue job searching again..

Still haven’t got my interview results yet but I am ready to move on and put an end to my hope. It shouldn’t really be there with my pathetic attempt of an interview. I can assure u it was really disastrous. Preparing for the next one and hoping it will end alright this time.